Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
