Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
