just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
