omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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