4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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