Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Come share oat with me in your robe
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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