I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I want a musical about memes.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
