when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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