We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
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