it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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