I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
