I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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