Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize