Apparently you make a good broom.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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