While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
