....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize