Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
