I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
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You. Win. At. Life.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
