You made me cry and you don't even care
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
