the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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