when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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