Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize