I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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