we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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