if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just cropdusted the office
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
