Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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