i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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