dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
