If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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