i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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