That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
