I just made out with a guy for $7.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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