I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
