Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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