I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize