nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You pole danced in your parka.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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