I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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