Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
