you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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