def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
