I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
