Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
