They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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