I wish I could punch you in the face.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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