The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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