some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
