My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
