smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
