I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
