Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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