We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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