It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Randomize
