Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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