Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
