There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
