Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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