Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Never underestimate the power of titties
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