I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
