Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
