Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
